Government Outlines Plan to Spend Britain’s Last £10 on Lottery Tickets

Gordon Brown: "It's a rollover week - we can't fucking lose!"

At Prime Minister’s Question Time today Gordon Brown unveiled a new government scheme to spend the UK’s last tenner on lottery tickets. Answering a question from the Right Honourable Felicity Heseltine-Coldplay, Conservative MP for East Sheen, who asked “Now what the fuck are we supposed to do? Game over man, game over!” Brown responded “It’s cool, seriously, don’t worry about it, we’ve got this one sorted.”

The Prime Minster then went on to outline the Treasury’s new plans to kick-start consumer spending and put an end to the current financial crisis. “Working with the Chancellor, Alistair Darling, I have put together a prudent and sustainable rescue plan for the economy. The Treasury and Bank of England are still working on the final details, but what I can tell you today is that with the country’s last £10 we will put a fiver on the Saturday night lottery draw, a couple of quid on the mid-week draw and bung the rest of it on a few scratch-cards from the off-licence. Think about it, that covers all the bases, we can’t lose.”

The plan drew sharp criticism from Conservative Party leader David Cameron who insisted that the Treasury should spend some of the money on a packet of fags to see the country through until it’s next dole cheque turns up. The Liberal Democrats gave a cautious welcome to the plan. Vince Cable said “We can certainly agree with the merit of this plan, but we’re waiting on the finer details before we give it a full endorsement. Nick Clegg and I agree that we would like to see the Prime Minister include a provision to tap France for an additional fiver so we can stretch to a bottle of vodka from Asda.”