Senior Bankers Threaten to Hold Breath Until They Faint

Senior banking executives are said to be disappointed by the new 50% higher income tax increase

Senior executives from some of the UK’s leading banks have threatened to hold their breath until they faint if the government forces them to pay the full 50% higher income tax announced in this week’s budget. The new tax increase means that high earners will have to pay 50% tax on any money they earn over £150,000 a year.

Under the new tax rules, Anthony Brastrap, a Leveraged Finance Manager at RBS will now earn a take-home salary of just 12 times the national average, rather than the 12.5 he has earned for the past decade.  “How on earth does the chancellor expect me to survive on that kind of money? It’s hardly worth getting out of bed in the morning,” said Brastrap “I really mean it, I’m going to hold my breath until I lose consciousness. And if I fall over and bang my head on a desk, it will all be Alistair Darling’s fault. Then he’ll be sorry, I bet.”

Brastrap’s sentiments were echoed across the sector, with one senior banking executive bursting into tears and wetting himself on the steps outside his office. “There! Now look what you made me do, Alistair! I hope you’re happy. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! I wish I was DEAD!” said the Morgan Stanley derivatives trader, before throwing his Blackberry onto the pavement.

Some high earning financial services workers have threatened to leave London for other international banking centres with more relaxed tax laws, such as Zurich and Frankfurt. “If the government doesn’t appreciate the value our industry brings to the UK, there are plenty of other countries that would love to give us huge tax breaks on our obscene salaries while we completely fuck-up their economies.” claimed one banker.