A consortium of Hollywood’s leading film studios today announced that they have signed a binding contract with actor Christian Bale which will guarantee that he stars in every single film ever fucking made until the universe comes to an end. Samples of Bale’s DNA will be stored in a secure underground facility at the...
According to a recent survey, almost fifty percent of adults in the UK cannot afford to piss hundreds of pounds a month into horribly mismanaged pension funds. Personal finance experts have warned that an entire generation of workers will miss out on the opportunity to see their life’s savings wiped out in the blink...
Representatives of the Roman Catholic Church today announced the discovery of several previously unknown New Testament passages, which were found down the back of a sofa at the Vatican. Church officials say the new passages will immediately be added to Catholic doctrine since they provide important guidance on several issues upon which the Bible...
In the aftermath of the MP’s expenses scandal concerns were voiced today that some of the vile parasites might not have the common decency to kill themselves in shame. Leading psychologists have warned that some MP’s may suffer a ‘self-righteous sense of entitlement to privilege’ which prevents them from feeling the kind of shame...
The British government today announce that it will mount a legal bid to have the result of this weekend’s Eurovision Song Contest overturned. A spokesman for the Attorney General’s Office said that there appears to be a strong case for taking the appeal to the European courts “Norway? Cocking NORWAY for fuck’s sake? Did...
BT today announced that it has been forced to fire everybody in Britain in order to cut costs during the economic downturn. The telecommunications giant has already laid off its entire workforce but as the recession continues to bite, further downsizing has become necessary. Chief Executive Ian Livingstone, the company’s only remaining employee, said...
The Home Office today warned that 6 out of every 7 terrorists arrested since the September 11th attacks of 2001 have been released without charge because of pressure from the ‘bleeding-heart lefty-pinko brigade’. The Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, said “The police and security services are doing their level best to lock up everybody in...
The British economy will pull through the recession and see GDP grow by 2% next year, according to the Bank of England’s chief economist, Russell Grant. In an interview with the BBC, Grant said “I see Mercury moving into the house of Aquarius while Mars and Saturn are in alignment, this signals an end...
A report from the National Housing Federation has warned that hundreds of thousands of young adults are likely to move out of the countryside in the next two years as increasing numbers of people realise that rural England is a bleak, depressing shithole filled with smack addicts, sex offenders and Daily Mail subscribers. The...
Prime Minister Gordon Brown was today forced to publicly defend himself against accusations that he wasted £270,000 of taxpayer’s money on building an enormous model railway in the loft of his official Downing Street residence. The Telegraph reported that, over the past six months, Brown has constructed a vast Double-0 Gauge miniature railway featuring...