Mervyn King - "Oh Christ, please just make it all go away!"
Mervyn King, governor of the Bank of England, today announced that the Bank plans to throw £50 billion of taxpayers’ money into a magical wishing well. “It’s got to be worth a go” said King “There’s just as much chance of it working as the other hundreds of billions we’ve pissed away on bail-outs over the past year. At least doing something, no matter how retarded, makes us look like we’ve actually got a clue about how to fix this monumental shitfest.”
Sources at the Bank say that no actual hard cash will be thrown into the well. The new policy of ‘quantitative easing’ means that the additional funds will be created out of thin air by simply entering a few extra zeroes into a cell on the Treasury’s Excel spreadsheet.
The money will then be electronically transfered onto a USB memory stick which will itself be thrown into the well, at which point British taxpayers will somehow find themselves £50 billion worse off, with fuck all to show for it. “Think of it as mysteriously waking up in the morning with a very sore bottom in a dirty alley round the back of a night-club…” said economics expert Russel Grant “…essentially, you know you’ve been fucked, but you’re just not quite sure how it happened or who did it.”
Although the money technically belongs to the government, international banking regulations require that Mr King himself will choose what to wish for, since the Bank of England is facilitating the transfer of funds into the well. In an interview with the Financial Times, King said that he would wish for “all of this shit to just go away forever, or failing that, a quick and painless death.”