BT to Make Entire Population of UK Redundant

BT today announced that it has been forced to fire everybody in Britain in order to cut costs during the economic downturn. The telecommunications giant has already laid off its entire workforce but as the recession continues to bite, further downsizing has become necessary.

Chief Executive Ian Livingstone, the company’s only remaining employee, said “This is a sadly inevitable consequence of the difficult economic climate. It’s never easy to break this kind of news but, unfortunately, I have to announce that every adult in the UK will shortly receive a letter explaining that their services are no longer required by BT.”

The news came as a blow to Derek McCarthy, a shop-fitter from Cardiff who has never worked for BT and has no plans to join the company in the future. “I’m really worried about my future” said McCarthy, “My family depends on me to keep a roof over their heads, and getting fired from a job that I didn’t actually have in the first place puts us in a very precarious position. I don’t really understand any of this, it’s very confusing, I really wish I knew what the fuck was going on.”

Livingstone also told investors that dividend payments had been scrapped and shareholders will now be required to pay a yearly fee to BT in order to be allowed to continue owning shares in the company.