Christian Bale to Star in Every Single Fucking Movie Ever Made
Bale will be cloned and sent back through time to ensure that he stars in every film ever produced in human history.
A consortium of Hollywood’s leading film studios today announced that they have signed a binding contract with actor Christian Bale which will guarantee that he stars in every single film ever fucking made until the universe comes to an end.
Samples of Bale’s DNA will be stored in a secure underground facility at the North Pole to ensure that he can be cloned as often as necessary to meet his filming commitments.
Louise Carlton, news editor of the movie magazine, Empire, said “This is great news for movie-lovers. Everybody wants to see Christian Bale in abso-fucking-lutely every damn film they ever watch, so now there’s no risk of them accidentally watching a film that he doesn’t appear in.”
Sources at Warner Bros told us that the studio is currently investing heavily in time-travel research so that they can send Christian Bale back in time to star in films that have already been made. “It’s going to cost billions of dollars,” one insider said “but that’s a small price to pay if it means that we’ll be able to see Christian Bale staring in Ghostbusters, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, and Citizen Kane.”
Christian Bale’s agent told us the actor was unavailable for comment as he is currently busy yelling angrily at people in a street near his Los Angeles home.
There’s an actress in Australia called Lisa McCune who has been in just about everything and won every Logie (TV award) nomination since forever. There was a suggestion that since she had taken a year off to have a baby and was still nominated, next year they could spin a diagram of her DNA on some community TV station at 3am on a Sunday and she would still be nominated.
That said, I like Christian Bale, even if he is a bit limited in his range.
Will he be doing silly deep voices in them all too?
Lisa McCune… she was in everything before I even left Australia for the UK nine years ago! My friend just emailed me today saying she was going to see ‘Guys and Dolls’ on stage… starring ‘Lisa McCune’….
I think I’ve only ever seen Christian Bale in the last Batman movie. I’d never even heard of him before then.
I thought Bale’s omnipresence was a widely recognised phenomena, but apparently I’m the only person who thinks he’s in every single fucking film that Hollywood produces these days, everybody else just knows him as the bloke with the stupid voice in Batman.
And that leaves the question, why did was heath ledger murdered after the greatest performance of his life? Where they scared people would actually like the joker more than batman? and steal christian bales limelight?