Fears Some MPs May Avoid Suicide

Psychologists are concerned that some MPs, such as Nadine Dorries, may consider not offing themselves

In the aftermath of the MP’s expenses scandal concerns were voiced today that some of the vile parasites might not have the common decency to kill themselves in shame. Leading psychologists have warned that some MP’s may suffer a ‘self-righteous sense of entitlement to privilege’ which prevents them from feeling the kind of shame and self-disgust that any normal human being should be experiencing under these circumstances.

Members of the public are being urged to help their elected officials through this difficult time by sending them useful items such as lengths of rope, or electrical cord, and razor blades. Dr David Quinn from the Royal Institute of Pharmacology said “It’s important people understand that, even in large doses, most over the counter painkillers aren’t toxic enough to cause death. If you really want your MP to top themselves, I’d recommend sending them a large carton of prescription sleeping pills – most popular brands should be up to the job.”

Residents of Bedfordshire are particularly concerned that local conservative MP, Nadine Dorries, might be considering not killing herself, despite spending £18,000 of their money on annual rent for a second home which she only ever uses to store her collection of endangered animal pelts. Kitchen porter, Alan Donaldson, said “This is a tight knit community and obviously we’re all very worried about Nadine, everybody wants to make sure she does the right thing. My wife and I sent her a 6 foot length of garden hose that she can use to pipe the fumes from her car’s exhaust directly into her mouth. She should be out cold within a couple of minutes and she won’t feel a thing.”