Half of UK Adults Failing to Waste Money on Worthless Pensions

Failing to throw enough money into a horribly mismanaged pension fund could mean that you won't get to spend your retirement barely surviving on value cat food.

According to a recent survey, almost fifty percent of adults in the UK cannot afford to piss hundreds of pounds a month into horribly mismanaged pension funds. Personal finance experts have warned that an entire generation of workers will miss out on the opportunity to see their life’s savings wiped out in the blink of an eye by some chinless cunt-wit whose only qualification for being a pension fund manager is that he used to play the biscuit game with the chairman’s cousin at Eton.

Neil Barton, a junior doctor from Brighton, said “I know I should start putting some money in a pension so that I can spend my retirement weeping in poverty while the incompetent twat who lost all my money floats around the Mediterranean on a yacht. Unfortunately, after I’ve made the payments on all those credit cards the banks kept throwing at me a couple of years ago, and the massive mortgage on my bedsit which is now worth about a quarter of what I bought it for, there’s just no money left for me to think about a pension.”

The UK is now facing a pensions time-bomb, analysts warn, with many fund managers facing the prospect of having to spend their retirements on cramped and uncomfortable 27 foot yachts. The Financial Services Authority guidelines state that a 40 foot yacht is the minimum required by a fund manager for a reasonable standard of living in retirement.

Christopher Bonham-Jones, a pension fund manager with Gartmore said “We appreciate that it’s difficult to make ends meet since my chums and I royally fucked the entire economy, but people still need to put some money aside for their future, so that I can spunk it all away for them.”