Long Lost Bible Passages Discovered Behind Vatican Sofa
Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor said "So it turns out that pedophilia is pretty much OK after all - it's really the atheists that we should all be pissed-off with. Bastards."
Representatives of the Roman Catholic Church today announced the discovery of several previously unknown New Testament passages, which were found down the back of a sofa at the Vatican. Church officials say the new passages will immediately be added to Catholic doctrine since they provide important guidance on several issues upon which the Bible has hitherto been morally unclear.
Britain’s most senior Catholic, Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor, said “You’ll laugh when I tell you this, but it turns out that it’s totally OK for priests to rape young boys after all, because there’s a bit in these new passages where it says ‘Go forth, men of The Lord, and sodomise ye the little children until they squealeth like swine.’ I think you’ll agree that’s pretty unambiguous and there’s certainly no need for any sort of prosecution of people who were only doing what it says in the Bible.”
The new passages, which appear to have been written by ancient scribes on A4 paper using a 12 point Arial font, are said to have originated from the middle east around the period 100-200AD and will now be securely stored in an envelope under the Pope’s mattress.
A Vatican spokesman told us that scholars are still working on fully translating the recovered passages, but that in all likelihood they will “probably say something about AIDS not being as bad as everybody thinks so they should all just shut the fuck up about the condom thing” and that they will “pretty much definitely mention that atheists are a bunch of complete tools who we can blame for almost everything that ever goes wrong in the world.”
It’s tasteless parodies like this cause the anti-religious movement to lose credibility. Why not try and be more clever?
wow, it’s like the Onion, except without the burden of being funny!
Agreed. D-minus trolling, would not troll again.
The whole Catholic and little boys thing has been done to death it’s just annoying. Kind of like Joe the Plumber 4 years from now!!
I find atheistic zealotry more pervasive than any religious zealotry– by far.
It’s offensive, truly, to be told you’re an idiot (as atheists insist) when you try to tell them “I don’t know” or “I’m curious and trying to find my way”.
“Comedy” like this is distasteful, not just because it’s poorly conceived, but because it does not understand that which it purports to lampoon.
Take some theology studies, learn about what it is you’re mocking and try again. In about 20 years.
@Jeff: Um. Since when are comedians socially-responsible?
So, did you know that there are recovered scrolls that the Catholic Church has stolen from people in the Middle East over the past 2000 years that they will not let people read? There are other writings that they only let ONE person read under supervision of a security guard.
So, it’s sort of based on truth. Could someone provide the reference? The guy who studied the scroll was a German, and he wrote the passages on his arm so he could sneak them past the security guard. He’s my hero. He also accidentally stole some ancient scroll from these people in Africa, because he promised to return it, but then some museum in Britain won’t give it back, and he’s dead now. Can’t remember his name…
@James, they’re not lampooning theology. They’re lampooning the Catholic Church’s long-standing dedication to supporting known child-molestors from prosecution, paying off families, and relocating their pedophile priests.
This movie made me cry. Fuck these people. The current pope has worked to suppress child molestation scandals for 30 years. He’s evil:
http://www.deliverusfromevilthemovie.com/index_flash.php
[Here's the sanitized version. Sorry about that.]
@James, they’re not lampooning theology. They’re lampooning the Catholic Church’s long-standing dedication to supporting known child-molestors from prosecution, paying off families, and relocating their pedophile priests.
This movie made me cry. Screw these people. The current pope has worked to suppress child molestation scandals for 30 years. He’s evil:
http://www.deliverusfromevilthemovie.com/index_flash.php
Actually, this was written off the back of the Cardinal’s recent comments in the British press about atheism being the worst evil humanity currently faces - these comments came out at approximately the same time that massive and systematic child abuse by the Irish Catholic church was covered in the media.
As for whether or not it’s funny, all I can say is: Meh, this stuff is hit and miss at best, some of it works, some of it doesn’t.
Very funny , thanks a lot.
This stuff is all hit and miss, can be used untastefully or tastefully that’s the way it goes. Some of it is good love the bit about it being in Arial. Some of these jokes could be used in a wrong period of time but for now I don’t think these jokes are truly going to offend a mass amount of people. I like it. I’ll be expecting the new additition of the bible available for me to buy on Amazon ASAP
I think topical items like this could do with being accompanied by, or introduced with, a short sentence placing them in context, such as “In a week when the blah blah blah, experts say…” It’s something that occasionally annoys me about the Daily Mash, for example, when I’ve missed the news story they’re lampooning. Just a thought.
@Benjamin: “The whole Catholic and little boys thing has been done to death it’s just annoying. Kind of like Joe the Plumber 4 years from now!!”
So we should forget about a vast conspiracy of abuse and corruption because - what? - it’s got a bit boring? Exactly what part of “old men in frocks fucking small children” do you find so unutterably tedious?
@Alex: Or you could read the news. Just a thought.
I do, Tim. I do.
Just not *all* of it.
I don’t wish to offend anyone, but fuck roman catholicism. :o)