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Archive for May, 2009
Bank of England Tosses £50 Billion into Magic Wishing Well
Mervyn King, governor of the Bank of England, today announced that the Bank plans to throw £50 billion of taxpayers’ money into a magical wishing well. “It’s got to be worth a go” said King “There’s just as much chance of it working as the other hundreds of billions we’ve pissed away on bail-outs...
Prince of Wales Does Enormous Shit
According to sources within Buckingham Palace, Prince Charles this week claimed to have done a “really massive shit“. The Prince is said to have excused himself following the main course of a state banquet for visiting foreign dignitaries, saying to the Prime Minister of Botswana “One’s just off to make some room for pudding,...
Jacqui Smith Tops UK “Least Wanted” List
The government today published a list of 16 people who are unwelcome in the UK due to their unacceptable behaviour and extreme views which are incompatible with British values. At the top of the list is Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, who was described by one official as “a nasty piece of work who shouldn’t...
FA Women’s Cup Watched by Record 17 Viewers
Today’s FA Women’s Cup Final between the Arsenal and Sunderland womens’ teams drew the highest TV viewing figures in the tournament’s 38 year history, with almost 18 fans tuning in to watch the match. Viewer numbers were up 30% over the previous year’s game, thanks largely to the landlord of the Prince of Wales...
Ministers Rush to Offer Half-Arsed Support for Gordon Brown
Cabinet minister were quick to offer tepid support for Gordon Brown’s leadership today, following a apparent media attack on the Prime Minister from front-bencher Hazel Blears. The Communities Minister was keen to put her comments into context “When I said that Gordon Brown’s leadership of the Labour Party had been a dismal failure that...
Windows 7 will “completely ruin your life” claims Microsoft
The next version of Windows will totally mess with your all your shit and fuck up your life like never before, claimed a spokesman for the company this week. During an exclusive press preview at Microsoft’s Seattle headquarters, journalists were told that engineers at the software giant have focused all of their efforts on...
Poet Laureate Porn Shame
The world of poetry was once again engulfed in controversy yesterday as the news emerged that newly appointed Poet Laureate, Carol Ann Duffy, previously starred in the 1975 porn film “Blackpool Donkey Ride”. The 54 year old was awarded the prestigious post after winning the phone vote in last night’s final of “Britain’s Got...