The English countryside, not a Cafe Nero or a Waitrose for hundreds of fucking miles
A report from the National Housing Federation has warned that hundreds of thousands of young adults are likely to move out of the countryside in the next two years as increasing numbers of people realise that rural England is a bleak, depressing shithole filled with smack addicts, sex offenders and Daily Mail subscribers.
The report’s author, Professor David Porter said “People have an idealised view of what life in the countryside is really like, thanks to wankers like Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall making them think it’s all organic pear cider, jolly farmer’s wives and tea with the vicar. The truth is that the countryside is shit.”
While sophisticated urbanites brace themselves for an influx of bewildered, toothless provincial simpletons, some are calling for measures to help make rural England less of a miserable place to live. Barbara Trigwell, Member of Parliament for some pointless cesspit nobody cares about, said “Perhaps if my constituency had a cinema or something within an hour or two’s drive, the residents might occasionally stop drinking petrol and abusing each-other’s livestock. I’m sure they’d get used to the idea of moving pictures within a year or two.”
But for now, at least, an entire generation of young people seems desperate to leave the countryside for a better life. One young woman from Suffolk told us “My sister moved to London a year ago and she told me that they have a twenty four hour public transportation network there. Imagine that! If I want to go out on a Saturday night, the nearest pub is three villages away, and the only way to get home after 10pm is to give my uncle a hand-job so he’ll let me have a ride back on his tractor.”