Windows 7 will “completely ruin your life” claims Microsoft

Microsoft says that Windows 7 has been specifically designed to make you want to kill yourself

The next version of Windows will totally mess with your all your shit and fuck up your life like never before, claimed a spokesman for the company this week. During an exclusive press preview at Microsoft’s Seattle headquarters, journalists were told that engineers at the software giant have focused all of their efforts on ensuring that it will be utterly fucking impossible to make Windows 7 do any damn thing that you need.

Windows product manager, Todd Warne, said “We recognise that there have been some problems in the past, so for this version of Windows we took extra care to make sure that there’s absolutely no fucking way you’ll ever be able to find any of the files you need. Also, we’ve really worked hard on screwing around with the Control Panel, so even experienced Windows users won’t be able to figure out how to make anything work properly.”

Warne went on to demonstrate several new features of the software, such as the ability to lose all of your digital photos. “As you can see, the demo camera is properly connected and the dialogue box has confirmed that all of the photos have been transferred to the hard disk. But where are they? They’re not in the My Pictures folder, they’re not on the Desktop - where the fuck are they? It’s a complete fucking mystery. You’ll also note that the original pictures have now been deleted from the camera’s memory too, even though we didn’t ask Windows to do that.”

Other new features include a tool to randomly share your web browsing history, emails and Instant Messenger conversations with colleagues and family members, no matter how hard you try to set all the privacy settings to maximum. Warne said that beta testing of the software had been successful, with product testers frequently reduced to screaming, sobbing fits of rage whilst trying to perform even the most basic of tasks, such as opening MS Office documents created on older versions of Windows.

Windows Vista users will get a free upgrade to Windows 7, although “they won’t be able to fucking install the stupid pile of bullshit without losing all of their stuff and breaking their internet connection forever” said Warne.