The Home Secretary plans to leave a stubborn stain on the Commons carpet as a legacy of her time in office
In what will be her final symbolic act of contempt towards the British public, Jacqui Smith is preparing to piss all over the carpet in the House of Commons before officially stepping down from her post. The outgoing Home Secretary is said to have spent the past week eating nothing but asparagus and drinking only Scotch whisky to ensure that she leaves a vile stench lingering for years after her departure.
Smith’s personal secretary said “Jacqui now accepts that she should step down for the good of the Labour Party and feels that the best legacy of her time in office would be a damp yellow urine stain that will leave a deeply obnoxious smell hanging over Parliament.”
The ceremonial urination is scheduled to take place during next week’s Prime Minister’s Questions when Conservative MP, Geoffrey Donaldson, the Right Honourable Member for Andover East, is expected to ask “Jesus fucking Christ, is that evil nazi bitch still here? Can the Prime Minister tell the house exactly when she’s going to fuck off for good?” At this point the Prime Minister will formally announce Smith’s resignation to Parliament, while she squats in the middle of the floor, power-squirting a stream of cloudy, dark yellow wazz onto the carpets.