Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg said "Seriously? You lot would rather vote for UKIP than give us a shot? Fuck you all. No, really. Fuck. You. All."
The British public’s fragile grip on reality was finally shattered last night, as millions of TV viewers watched the UK Independence Party win the final of The Apprentice. In a tumultuous evening, Gordon Brown’s struggling Labour government was punished by voters who vented their frustrations by electing centre-right restaurant manager, Yasmina Siadatan, to the European Parliament.
Mouth-breathing simpleton, Clare Walker, from Ipswich commented “I wanted Sir Alan to win it because he’s the only one what really cares about the proper British people and he’ll stop the EU from giving all us money to immigrants so that house prices won’t go down any more.”
Last night’s results also saw the BNP secure two places in the Big Brother house, while racism enthusiasts across the country jubilantly began wearing Trilby hats and smoking pipes in preparation for Britain being magically transformed into a prosperous pre-war idyll, once all the immigrants have been loaded onto cargo planes and flown back to where they came from.
Speaking on the BBC’s Newsnight programme, broadcaster and journalist Jeremy Paxman said “I seriously haven’t got a clue what’s going on with this place any more. You lot are all fucking mental.”
Cheers. Laughing keeps me from crying.