Ross Kemp to Become Government Advisor on Afghanistan

Ross Kemp will be awarded a life peerage and a seat in the House of Lords

Downing Street today confirmed that actor and TV presenter, Ross Kemp, will be appointed as a special advisor to the government on the war in Afghanistan. Facing accusations that troops are poorly equipped and trapped in an unwinnable quagmire, the Prime Minister announced that Kemp was the obvious choice to advise the government on how to make progress with the increasingly unpopular conflict.

Speaking to reporters, Prime Minister Brown said “We’ve all seen him running around and shouting in that thing on Sky One, surely to fucking christ this should convince the plebs that we’re doing our best to sort out this shitty mess? What else do they expect us to do - piss money away on helicopters for the troops? After they bitched so much about all that cash we gave to the banks? Seriously, I wish I knew what these fickle bastards actually want from me.”

Downing Street insiders said that a peerage will be pushed through on this year’s honours list in order to secure a seat in the House of Lords for Kemp, enabling him to chair a select committee on the Afghan war. Commenting on his new role, Kemp said “Charlie in the wire! Incoming! Man down! Medic! MEDIIIIIIIC!”