Secretary of State, Peter Mandelson, will today begin a tour of major towns and cities in the UK, during which he intends to stamp on the heads of over seven hundred helpless kittens. It is reported that Lord Mandelson hopes to horribly traumatise the hundreds of thousands of young children who will be forced...
The Institute of Chartered Accountants today announced that the recession is officially over because everybody’s feeling a bit better about things now that we’ve won the Ashes. Speaking at a press conference this morning, president of the ICA, Martin Hagen, said “It’s undoubtedly been a difficult year for the British economy, but with the...
The Greater Manchester Police Service today announced that it has arrested the entire population of the city in a crackdown on alcohol fuelled violent crime. Chief Constable, Peter Fahy, told reporters that everybody in the Greater Manchester region had been placed in custody, and that officers from other parts of the country had to...
Taxpayers will have to foot the bill for round the clock protection of a young actor who is predicted to become the UK’s most bullied child following his appearance in a television advert for Glade air fresheners, it emerged today. Known to millions of TV viewers as the adorable young scamp who wants to...
The speaker of the House of Commons today recalled parliament from its summer recess for an emergency debate on the separation of Jordan and Peter Andre. MPs from all parties have voiced their concern about the rapidly deteriorating celebrity relationship, with one backbencher describing the situation as “the worst crisis facing Britain since the...
A 35 year old man from south-west London was today reported to be “moderately happy” with his recent purchase of a new pair of shoes, despite expressing some early reservations. The man, who is believed to be the writer of an unpopular and not very funny news satire website, was initially concerned that the...
The government today announced plans for a high tech in-home surveillance system to keep tabs on actress Kiera Knightley 24 hours a day. “This might seem like an Orwellian nightmare and an obscene waste of tax payers’ money,” said Jack Straw, Secretary of State for Justice “But what you’ve got to understand is that...