The £400 million surveillance system will enable local authorities to monitor Knightley's soapiness 24 hours a day
The government today announced plans for a high tech in-home surveillance system to keep tabs on actress Kiera Knightley 24 hours a day.
“This might seem like an Orwellian nightmare and an obscene waste of tax payers’ money,” said Jack Straw, Secretary of State for Justice “But what you’ve got to understand is that we just don’t give a fuck about what you think, and in case it’s somehow missed your attention, we haven’t given a fuck for quite some time. What are you going to do? Sue us? Good luck with that, Einstein, we make the fucking laws.”
The new surveillance system will enable community officers to make sure the willowy young starlet eats regular, healthy meals, goes to bed at an appropriate time at night, and maintains a proper level of personal hygiene with at least two long, hot soapy showers every day.
If the pilot scheme is successful, government sources say it will be extended to Emma Watson from the Harry Potter films, and that dirty looking one from Girls Aloud. You know the one we mean.
Civil liberties campaigners have reacted angrily, arguing that in-home surveillance represents an unprecedented violation of individual privacy. Responding to these criticisms, Straw said: “Boo fucking hoo. If you don’t like it, you can suck my balls – what do you think this is? Some kind of democracy? Grow up.”
Is there the possibility of extending this scheme to include Ioan Gruffudd, Rupert Penry-Jones and David Oyelowo? Yeah? I’m quite happy to vote-in a tax rise to make this happen?
Although I’m not sure that the rest of the nation would like to fund my mid-life crisis so much..