Lord Mandelson is said to enjoy hunting disabled children for sport
Secretary of State, Peter Mandelson, will today begin a tour of major towns and cities in the UK, during which he intends to stamp on the heads of over seven hundred helpless kittens. It is reported that Lord Mandelson hopes to horribly traumatise the hundreds of thousands of young children who will be forced to watch the events in their school assembly halls.
The plan was announced by Lord Mandelson shortly after he returned from a recent holiday on Vlad the Impaler’s yacht, where he spent a week having sex with the ghost of Stalin and setting fire to dolphins.
Downing Street insiders have revealed that there are deep concerns amongst the Labour leadership that the party’s popularity remains too high. Speaking on the Andrew Marr show, Mandelson said “Of course we worry about these things, all politicians do. Almost every day I ask myself whether the British people despise me enough already, or whether I should try a little harder to be even more of a cunt.”
Lord Mandelson also announced this week that he plans to push through new legislation that will require all newborn babies to have AIDS injected directly into their brains. His press secretary strongly denied any suggestion that this new policy was in any way linked to Mandelson’s growing friendship with Charles Manson.