"Somebody please remind me why I'm supposed to give a fuck about this tedious load of old cock" commented the entire population of Britain, yesterday.
The speaker of the House of Commons today recalled parliament from its summer recess for an emergency debate on the separation of Jordan and Peter Andre. MPs from all parties have voiced their concern about the rapidly deteriorating celebrity relationship, with one backbencher describing the situation as “the worst crisis facing Britain since the Falklands invasion”.
The Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, promised to launch a formal inquiry into whether Jordan had, in fact, been unfaithful to Andre, while opposition leader David Cameron called on the government to act quickly and decisively to restore public trust in the artificially manufactured celebrity industry.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown will cut short his tour of military field hospitals in Afghanistan, where he has been smashing up vital medical equipment and pissing on the beds of injured soldiers, in order to address Parliament on this issue.
Speaking to reporters at Camp Bastion, Brown said “It is vitally important that we continue to insult the intelligence of the British public by feigning an interest in this retarded non-story. Only by showing an unwavering commitment to cheap populism and shallow, headline grabbing stunts, can we hope to cling onto power long enough to delude ourselves that we have any chance of winning the next election.”
“Shit, did I just say that out loud?” the Prime Minister added.