Taxpayers will have to foot the bill for round the clock protection of a young actor who is predicted to become the UK’s most bullied child following his appearance in a television advert for Glade air fresheners, it emerged today.
Known to millions of TV viewers as the adorable young scamp who wants to ‘do a poo at Paul’s house’ child actor, Ben Clarke is set to endure five years of cruel, merciless taunting and vicious beatings when he begins secondary school next term. Pupils at Brockley School in south-east London, where 11 year old Clarke will join as a first year student, are said to be preparing for his arrival by manufacturing shivs and other improvised weaponry in woodwork classes.
Headmaster, Charles Wardley, said “We’re all very excited about the arrival of young Mr Clarke – I look forward to brushing off any complaints about his horrifically brutal maltreatment by the other pupils as nothing more than youthful high spirits.”
The local authorities say that additional children will have to be bussed in from other schools in the district in order to ensure that there are enough of them to make every waking hour of Clarke’s young life a living hell. “This is a big job,” said Wardley “Ben will need to be constantly physically and mentally tortured by his peers, and we just don’t have enough children at this school to guarantee that. Fortunately, there’s a really rough school on a council estate just half a mile from here, so I’m sure they’ll be able to help us out.”
Ben’s mother, Susan Clarke, said “Of course we originally planned to use the money Ben got paid for the advert to send him to a private drama academy and give him a good start in life, but then we decided to get a new conservatory instead.”