The Conservative Party today announced a key election campaign pledge to have all of Britain’s working class people fitted with special volume control micro-chips, to prevent them from talking too loudly. Tory leader, David Cameron, made the announcement during an interview on the BBC’s Andrew Marr show, saying “Clearly we’d all like to do...
The future of Christmas is in doubt today as the world reacts to the news that Santa Claus has been arrested on child porn charges. Last night an Interpol spokesman informed the media that a man described as a “200 year old fictional characterisation of traditional festive goodwill” had been taken into custody and...
The government today announced that some things which used to be perfectly legal have now been banned in order to prevent people from having fun with them. Anybody found guilty of having fun with the banned things will now face up to two years in prison. The Home Secretary told reporters: “Although these things...
Business leaders today welcomed figures from the Bank of England which show that the UK economy has got less worse by such an imperceptibly small measure that it means absolutely nothing to pretty much everybody. Bob Simpson, head of the Confederation of British Industry said: “This is very encouraging news. The economy is still...
A parliamentary debate on whether to increase funding for military equipment in Afghanistan was interrupted today when MPs noticed that it had begun to snow. The shadow home secretary, Chris Grayling, first noticed the snow whilst he was returning to his seat in the chamber “I’d just popped out for a quick shit, and...
The pop world was in mourning today, following the shock news that chart topping pop act, Girls Aloud, has been entirely wiped out by a pack of rabid chimpanzees. The attack took place last night during a live performance at the Milton Keynes Bowl, in front of a crowd of nearly 65,000 horrified fans....
35 year old Richard Walker, an advertising account manager from London, is today being treated for severe shock after attempting to play Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 online for the first time. “I don’t understand what the fuck just happened” said Walker as he was led away by paramedics “I thought I knew...
