Britain marginally less fucked than expected

Chancellor Alistair Darling, trying not to look stoned off his tits

Business leaders today welcomed figures from the Bank of England which show that the UK economy has got less worse by such an imperceptibly small measure that it means absolutely nothing to pretty much everybody.

Bob Simpson, head of the Confederation of British Industry said: “This is very encouraging news. The economy is still collapsing into a super-massive black hole of national debt from which it will take us decades to recover, but the important thing is that it’s now happing at a tiny fraction of a percent slower than before.”

The announcement helped push the FTSE 100 up 6% to a two year high, although these gains were mostly wiped out in afternoon trading when it emerged that the chairman of Barclays had accidentally spilled some salt at lunchtime.

Chancellor, Alistair Darling, said: “The facts speak for themselves. The thousands of people who lost their jobs this month will be comforted to know that the rate of unemployment is rising 0.001% slower the six months ago. This government has successfully steered Britain through the worst of the recession. ” Darling then offered reporters what appeared to be a hand rolled joint made of top grade super-skunk, adding “You really should try some of this shit, it’s amazing. Jesus, look at Robert Peston’s tie… it’s like the pattern is alive… fuck, I need to sit down for a bit…”