The award winning girl band had repeatedly requested chimp-proof-armour from their management company
The pop world was in mourning today, following the shock news that chart topping pop act, Girls Aloud, has been entirely wiped out by a pack of rabid chimpanzees. The attack took place last night during a live performance at the Milton Keynes Bowl, in front of a crowd of nearly 65,000 horrified fans.
Approximately 15 chimps, believed to have escaped from a nearby testing laboratory, wandered into the venue and became agitated by the sight of Nicola Robert’s ginger hair and weird face. Witnesses say that the situation developed into a tense stand-off during which the chimpanzees and band members screeched angrily and hurled clumps of their own faeces at each other.
Leicester student, Emma Carter, was in the audience: “At one point we all thought things were starting to calm down, but then Sarah Harding lobbed a half empty bottle of WKD Blue at the alpha male, and all hell broke loose.”
The chimps are then reported to have launched a vicious and brutal attack on all five members of the band, bludgeoning the singers with their immensely powerful fists and using their huge fangs to bite and tear chunks of flesh from the girls’ bodies.
Trevor Johnson, one of the first paramedics to arrive on the scene, said “By the time we got there all of the young ladies were already dead and the chimpanzees were busy defiling their bloody, shredded corpses. I saw a couple of the larger males were double-teaming what was left of Nadine Coyle’s body, while the others were trying to eat the remains of Cheryl Cole’s face – although there wasn’t much meat left on it.”
All of the chimps were later destroyed by the local authorities. A memorial service will be held at Twycross Zoo next Sunday.