Working class people to be fitted with volume control chips

Loud-mouthed working class people pictured recently in Stockport

The Conservative Party today announced a key election campaign pledge to have all of Britain’s working class people fitted with special volume control micro-chips, to prevent them from talking too loudly.

Tory leader, David Cameron, made the announcement during an interview on the BBC’s Andrew Marr show, saying “Clearly we’d all like to do our bit for the environment by using public transport more often, but buses and trains have been completely ruined by working class people who spend the entire journey shouting poorly constructed sentences at each other.”

“It’s not just public transport where this is an issue.” Added Cameron “These days you can’t go anywhere without having to listen to some ghastly mouth-breather shrieking into a mobile phone with their grating, uneducated regional accent.”

Details of the plan have yet to be confirmed, although it is believed that the chips will be embedded at the base of the skull and can deliver a jolt of electricity into the spinal column whenever the ignorant prole’s voice exceeds polite levels, rendering them incapable of speech for approximately fifteen minutes.

Critics of the proposal claim that it is fundamentally flawed. Professor Liam Whittaker of Westminster University commented “Our research indicates that working class people are biologically incapable of understanding anything that isn’t shouted at them. Just watch an episode of Eastenders, it’s thirty minutes of pikey scum shouting at each other - they don’t have any other way of communicating.”

Middle class voters appear to be largely in favour of the proposals. Jeremy Chiswick, a television producer from Surrey, said “The train I catch to work in the morning doesn’t have a first class carriage, so I have to sit with all the working class people and it’s practically impossible for me to read The Times’ property supplement while they’re all squawking to each other about the football or Celebrity Big Brother.”