Apple announces highly anticipated MaxiPad

Apple's new MaxiPad will cope with even the heaviest flow from a Mac user's gushing vagina

Ending months of speculation, Apple today officially launched its newest must-have gadget, the MaxiPad. At a glitzy US press event, Apple CEO Steve Jobs told the assembled mass of compliant, unquestioning journalists “The MaxiPad is designed to fill a huge gap in the market for posing smugtards who need a wildly overpriced device that is both bulkier than an iPhone and less powerful than a MacBook.”

Analysts hailed the announcement as a welcome continuation of Apple’s long-running strategy of extorting money from the mentally handicapped. Wall Street Journal technology editor, Chad Warburton, said “What’s particularly powerful about Apple’s sales strategy is that the company only sells products to tedious dullards who spend their entire lives telling everybody else how stupid they are for not also buying Apple products. Steve Jobs could draw an Apple logo on one of his shits and these people would queue up for weeks to buy it.”

Glassy-eyed Apple fanboys are expected to begin brashly waving their MaxiPads around in coffee-shops, bars and pretty much everywhere else as soon as the product ships in March. Josh Sauter, a social media consultant from San Francisco, said “I preordered my MaxiPad three months ago, after my friend tweeted about how it’s going to totally revolutionise the internet. I’ve already posted a review on my blog and advised all of my readers to buy one immediately because all other computers are now obsolete. I can’t wait for it to arrive.”