Men: "Look, we're sorry, ok? Can we just let it go now?"
The entire male population of the world today made a heartfelt public apology for absolutely everything they might ever have done to upset women. In a pitiful display of insincere remorse and half-arsed grovelling, men everywhere said that they deeply, deeply regretted doing whatever it was that they got caught doing.
All men have now entered rehabilitation programmes to help them deal with the various made-up psychological disorders that are being blamed for making them act like men.
Dave Turnbull, a man from north London, said through gritted teeth “I would like to apologise to my wife and everybody else who I might have offended by having a pair of testicles. I really am most terribly fucking sorry.”
Turnbull went on to announce that he had been taking therapy to deal with his sick and destructive addiction to being male and trying to have fun occasionally. “I hope I can leave this episode behind me and look forward to a life of soul-destroying conformity and meek, dead- eyed submission to domestic drudgery.”
After making their apology, men were expected to go for a stiff drink at a local bar, but abandoned this plan after noting a sour-faced expression of disapproval from women, who are reportedly planning to drag this shit out for another couple of weeks at the very least.
Apology accepted, thank you. And, yes, of course we can just let it go now.