In a ceremony marking the end of British military combat operations in Iraq today, Prime Minister Gordon Brown told serving troops that he was grateful for the work they had carried out, but that they probably shouldn’t have bothered. “Um… We totally appreciate you coming all the way over here and everything,” said Brown...
Officials from the World Health Organisation today announced that the winning bid for the 2011 global health scare is Cornish Hog Plague. A handover ceremony will be held in Newquay later this year, once Mexican Swine Flu has successfully completed scaring the shit out of the entire population of earth. A spokesman for the...
The National Association of Estate Agents has warned that house prices are reaching dangerously affordable levels and unless the government acts quickly, property ownership could soon be within reach of ordinary working class people. Chris Brown, president of the NAEA, said “The government just doesn’t seem to care. If swift and decisive action is...
Senior executives from some of the UK’s leading banks have threatened to hold their breath until they faint if the government forces them to pay the full 50% higher income tax announced in this week’s budget. The new tax increase means that high earners will have to pay 50% tax on any money they...
Scientists admit that they are struggling to explain the mysterious discovery of an unattractive woman who has somehow developed the ability to sing in tune. Until recently it was widely believed that only young, good looking people were able to sing but the discovery of Susan Boyle, an unattractive middle aged person, has now...
At Prime Minister’s Question Time today Gordon Brown unveiled a new government scheme to spend the UK’s last tenner on lottery tickets. Answering a question from the Right Honourable Felicity Heseltine-Coldplay, Conservative MP for East Sheen, who asked “Now what the fuck are we supposed to do? Game over man, game over!” Brown responded...
Formula 1 was engulfed in yet another scandal this week as fans voiced their anger over the result of this weekend’s race at Sepang, Malaysia, which saw victory handed to Brawn driver, Jenson Button. After 64 laps of incident-free racing, Button clinched first place using a controversial combination of exemplary driving skill and sportsman-like...
Passengers on the 07:15 from Brighton to London Victoria received an unexpected surprise on Monday morning when 19 year old Sean Johnson treated them all to an impromptu rendition of ‘Low’ by Flo-Rida. After boarding the train at Croydon, Johnson unexpectedly took out his Nokia N95 and began playing the song at full volume...
Diners at the three Michelin starred Fat Duck restaurant in Bray, Berkshire, got an unexpected treat this week when celebrity chef, Heston Blumenthal, served them with a canapé made from his own face. The restaurant’s head waiter described the dish as ‘thin slivers of Mr Blumenthal’s face, marinated overnight in the tears of a...
