News
Cup the balls and work the shaft, demands Clegg
In the clearest sign yet that he may be prepared to strike a deal with the Conservative Party, the Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg today publicly invited David Cameron to suck him off. Speaking to reporters outside his party headquarters, Clegg said “As leader of the party with the largest share of the vote,... »
Men apologise for everything, ever
The entire male population of the world today made a heartfelt public apology for absolutely everything they might ever have done to upset women. In a pitiful display of insincere remorse and half-arsed grovelling, men everywhere said that they deeply, deeply regretted doing whatever it was that they got caught doing. All men have now... »
Massive Twitter phishing attack confuses millions
As leading news sources reported a widespread Twitter phishing attack today, millions of people were left wondering what the hell a Twitter phishing attack is. While the small handful of self-important media-twats who actually use Twitter spent the day shrieking as though the world itself was coming to an end, everybody else was forced... »
Apple announces highly anticipated MaxiPad
Ending months of speculation, Apple today officially launched its newest must-have gadget, the MaxiPad. At a glitzy US press event, Apple CEO Steve Jobs told the assembled mass of compliant, unquestioning journalists “The MaxiPad is designed to fill a huge gap in the market for posing smugtards who need a wildly overpriced device that... »
Working class people to be fitted with volume control chips
The Conservative Party today announced a key election campaign pledge to have all of Britain’s working class people fitted with special volume control micro-chips, to prevent them from talking too loudly. Tory leader, David Cameron, made the announcement during an interview on the BBC’s Andrew Marr show, saying “Clearly we’d all like to do our... »
Santa Claus arrested, Christmas in crisis
The future of Christmas is in doubt today as the world reacts to the news that Santa Claus has been arrested on child porn charges. Last night an Interpol spokesman informed the media that a man described as a “200 year old fictional characterisation of traditional festive goodwill” had been taken into custody and... »
Government bans more fun things
The government today announced that some things which used to be perfectly legal have now been banned in order to prevent people from having fun with them. Anybody found guilty of having fun with the banned things will now face up to two years in prison. The Home Secretary told reporters: “Although these things may... »
Britain marginally less fucked than expected
Business leaders today welcomed figures from the Bank of England which show that the UK economy has got less worse by such an imperceptibly small measure that it means absolutely nothing to pretty much everybody. Bob Simpson, head of the Confederation of British Industry said: “This is very encouraging news. The economy is still collapsing... »
Fucking hell, it’s snowing!
A parliamentary debate on whether to increase funding for military equipment in Afghanistan was interrupted today when MPs noticed that it had begun to snow. The shadow home secretary, Chris Grayling, first noticed the snow whilst he was returning to his seat in the chamber “I’d just popped out for a quick shit, and... »
Girls Aloud savaged to death by enraged chimpanzees
The pop world was in mourning today, following the shock news that chart topping pop act, Girls Aloud, has been entirely wiped out by a pack of rabid chimpanzees. The attack took place last night during a live performance at the Milton Keynes Bowl, in front of a crowd of nearly 65,000 horrified fans. Approximately... »