News
Modern Warfare 2 leaves middle aged gamer confused and afraid
35 year old Richard Walker, an advertising account manager from London, is today being treated for severe shock after attempting to play Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 online for the first time. “I don’t understand what the fuck just happened” said Walker as he was led away by paramedics “I thought I knew how... »
Lord Mandelson Begins National Kitten-Stamping Tour
Secretary of State, Peter Mandelson, will today begin a tour of major towns and cities in the UK, during which he intends to stamp on the heads of over seven hundred helpless kittens. It is reported that Lord Mandelson hopes to horribly traumatise the hundreds of thousands of young children who will be forced... »
Recession Over as Everybody Just Starts to Feel a Bit Better About Things
The Institute of Chartered Accountants today announced that the recession is officially over because everybody’s feeling a bit better about things now that we’ve won the Ashes. Speaking at a press conference this morning, president of the ICA, Martin Hagen, said “It’s undoubtedly been a difficult year for the British economy, but with the recent... »
Police Arrest Entire Population of Manchester
The Greater Manchester Police Service today announced that it has arrested the entire population of the city in a crackdown on alcohol fuelled violent crime. Chief Constable, Peter Fahy, told reporters that everybody in the Greater Manchester region had been placed in custody, and that officers from other parts of the country had to... »
TV ad boy to become UK’s most viciously bullied child
Taxpayers will have to foot the bill for round the clock protection of a young actor who is predicted to become the UK’s most bullied child following his appearance in a television advert for Glade air fresheners, it emerged today. Known to millions of TV viewers as the adorable young scamp who wants to ‘do... »
Parliament Recalled for Emergency Debate on Jordan and Peter Andre
The speaker of the House of Commons today recalled parliament from its summer recess for an emergency debate on the separation of Jordan and Peter Andre. MPs from all parties have voiced their concern about the rapidly deteriorating celebrity relationship, with one backbencher describing the situation as “the worst crisis facing Britain since the... »
Man “Happy” with New Shoes
A 35 year old man from south-west London was today reported to be “moderately happy” with his recent purchase of a new pair of shoes, despite expressing some early reservations. The man, who is believed to be the writer of an unpopular and not very funny news satire website, was initially concerned that the... »
Government Announces £400 million Kiera Knightley Surveillance Scheme
The government today announced plans for a high tech in-home surveillance system to keep tabs on actress Kiera Knightley 24 hours a day. “This might seem like an Orwellian nightmare and an obscene waste of tax payers’ money,” said Jack Straw, Secretary of State for Justice “But what you’ve got to understand is that... »
Cameron Apologises for Radio Outburst
Conservative Party leader, David Cameron, was today forced to issue a public apology after he used a string of expletives during a live interview on Absolute Radio’s breakfast show. After describing users of the popular website, Twitter, as “twats” Mr Cameron went on to refer to former Prime Minister Gordon Brown as “a total... »
DVD Pirate Ring Jailed for Selling Bride Wars
A judge today sentenced the members of a DVD pirating ring to seven years in prison for distributing copies of the romantic comedy, Bride Wars. Delivering his verdict, Justice Malcolm Pendergrass said “This is not a clear cut case, copyright law is struggling to keep up with fast developing media technologies. However, the one... »