Friends and neighbours of Trevor Pendleton, a graphic designer from Stoke Newington, today urged the tedious cunt to stop going on about eighties popular culture as though it’s the single funniest fucking thing in the world ever. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one of Pendleton’s colleagues said “I swear to god, if Trevor makes...
Downing Street today confirmed that actor and TV presenter, Ross Kemp, will be appointed as a special advisor to the government on the war in Afghanistan. Facing accusations that troops are poorly equipped and trapped in an unwinnable quagmire, the Prime Minister announced that Kemp was the obvious choice to advise the government on...
I’m off on my jollies until July 6th. In the meantime, why not entertain yourself by visiting some of the inferior, but vaguely amusing, made-up-news websites down there in the links. Just, you know, remember to come back in a few weeks, won’t you?
The inability of stupid Londoners to find their way to work without the help of their fancy Tube network was greeted with amusement and smug satisfaction by millions of people outside of the capital today. “I don’t understand what their problem is” said Bill Loughton, a mill worker from Derby “can’t they just ride...
The British public’s fragile grip on reality was finally shattered last night, as millions of TV viewers watched the UK Independence Party win the final of The Apprentice. In a tumultuous evening, Gordon Brown’s struggling Labour government was punished by voters who vented their frustrations by electing centre-right restaurant manager, Yasmina Siadatan, to the...
The forecast for tomorrow is a load of fucking wank. It’s going to rain like a bastard all day, and all you cunts are going to get completely fucking soaked. Towards the end of the day an area of low pressure will probably move in from the east or whatever, it’s not like any...
Following the departure of two female cabinet members this week, leaders of the three main political parties were urged to recruit more minge to work in the House of Commons. Conservative Shadow Chancellor, George Osborne, said “When I first got into politics I thought I’d be rolling in the pussy, but this place is...
David Cameron’s outrageous stunt during today’s Parliamentary debate was completely staged and well rehearsed, claim Whitehall insiders. The Conservative Party Leader flew through the air on acrobatic wires wearing only a skimpy silver angel costume, before landing directly on top of Gordon Brown and grinding his naked buttocks into the Prime Minister’s face. Brown...
In what will be her final symbolic act of contempt towards the British public, Jacqui Smith is preparing to piss all over the carpet in the House of Commons before officially stepping down from her post. The outgoing Home Secretary is said to have spent the past week eating nothing but asparagus and drinking...
The High Court controversially ruled today that a Prime Minister, who can legally only be identified as Gordon, is ‘too stupid’ to properly look after his country. The court ordered that the unnamed country must be taken into the care of Social Services for its own protection. Speaking in an interview with the Daily...