Apple's new MaxiPad will cope with even the heaviest flow from a Mac user's gushing vagina

Ending months of speculation, Apple today officially launched its newest must-have gadget, the MaxiPad. At a glitzy US press event, Apple CEO Steve Jobs told the assembled mass of compliant, unquestioning journalists “The MaxiPad is designed to fill a huge gap in the market for posing smugtards who need a wildly overpriced device that is both bulkier than an iPhone and less powerful than a MacBook.”

Analysts hailed the announcement as a welcome continuation of Apple’s long-running strategy of extorting money from the mentally handicapped. Wall Street Journal technology editor, Chad Warburton, said “What’s particularly powerful about Apple’s sales strategy is that the company only sells products to tedious dullards who spend their entire lives telling everybody else how stupid they are for not also buying Apple products. Steve Jobs could draw an Apple logo on one of his shits and these people would queue up for weeks to buy it.”

Glassy-eyed Apple fanboys are expected to begin brashly waving their MaxiPads around in coffee-shops, bars and pretty much everywhere else as soon as the product ships in March. Josh Sauter, a social media consultant from San Francisco, said “I preordered my MaxiPad three months ago, after my friend tweeted about how it’s going to totally revolutionise the internet. I’ve already posted a review on my blog and advised all of my readers to buy one immediately because all other computers are now obsolete. I can’t wait for it to arrive.”

Loud-mouthed working class people pictured recently in Stockport

The Conservative Party today announced a key election campaign pledge to have all of Britain’s working class people fitted with special volume control micro-chips, to prevent them from talking too loudly.

Tory leader, David Cameron, made the announcement during an interview on the BBC’s Andrew Marr show, saying “Clearly we’d all like to do our bit for the environment by using public transport more often, but buses and trains have been completely ruined by working class people who spend the entire journey shouting poorly constructed sentences at each other.”

“It’s not just public transport where this is an issue.” Added Cameron “These days you can’t go anywhere without having to listen to some ghastly mouth-breather shrieking into a mobile phone with their grating, uneducated regional accent.”

Details of the plan have yet to be confirmed, although it is believed that the chips will be embedded at the base of the skull and can deliver a jolt of electricity into the spinal column whenever the ignorant prole’s voice exceeds polite levels, rendering them incapable of speech for approximately fifteen minutes.

Critics of the proposal claim that it is fundamentally flawed. Professor Liam Whittaker of Westminster University commented “Our research indicates that working class people are biologically incapable of understanding anything that isn’t shouted at them. Just watch an episode of Eastenders, it’s thirty minutes of pikey scum shouting at each other - they don’t have any other way of communicating.”

Middle class voters appear to be largely in favour of the proposals. Jeremy Chiswick, a television producer from Surrey, said “The train I catch to work in the morning doesn’t have a first class carriage, so I have to sit with all the working class people and it’s practically impossible for me to read The Times’ property supplement while they’re all squawking to each other about the football or Celebrity Big Brother.”

In this undated file photo, Santa is seen grooming a young victim

The future of Christmas is in doubt today as the world reacts to the news that Santa Claus has been arrested on child porn charges. Last night an Interpol spokesman informed the media that a man described as a “200 year old fictional characterisation of traditional festive goodwill” had been taken into custody and charged with the possession and distribution of indecent images of minors.

The man’s North Pole home was yesterday raided by police and several computers were seized along with a large sack of toys. A number of elves were also taken into custody, but later released without charge.

In a prepared statement delivered to the press by his legal team, Santa described his arrest as a terrible mistake: “I can assure you all that this has been a dreadful misunderstanding - I was only looking at those pictures to see which little girls and boys had been naughty or nice.”

If found guilty, Santa faces up to twenty years in prison and will be listed on the sex offenders register for the rest of his life.

These fun things are now banned, and you definitely won't be able to buy them from some bloke down the pub anymore

The government today announced that some things which used to be perfectly legal have now been banned in order to prevent people from having fun with them. Anybody found guilty of having fun with the banned things will now face up to two years in prison.

The Home Secretary told reporters: “Although these things may seem largely harmless, there is a huge amount of evidence showing that people are using these things for the purposes of personal enjoyment, which is why it was important for us to ban them immediately.”

Experts say that over the past decade at least one person is suspected to have died from complications which might possibly have something to do with the fun things, which makes them almost as dangerous as eating a cucumber sandwich.

The move was welcomed by the pressure group Uptight Middle-Englanders Against Everything You Enjoy. Spokesperson, Barbara Millington said “This is a great victory for British justice. Now that these things are banned it will be impossible for anybody to buy them, just like cannabis, cocaine and all the other banned fun things. Perhaps now people will learn that they don’t need mind bending drugs to have a good time, what’s wrong with the Daily Mail crossword, or enjoying a nice cup of tea and a Vicar of Dibley DVD?”

Downing Street insiders claim that in the coming months the government plans to ban other fun things, including Yorkie bars, Facebook and giggly blonde women with big tits.

Chancellor Alistair Darling, trying not to look stoned off his tits

Business leaders today welcomed figures from the Bank of England which show that the UK economy has got less worse by such an imperceptibly small measure that it means absolutely nothing to pretty much everybody.

Bob Simpson, head of the Confederation of British Industry said: “This is very encouraging news. The economy is still collapsing into a super-massive black hole of national debt from which it will take us decades to recover, but the important thing is that it’s now happing at a tiny fraction of a percent slower than before.”

The announcement helped push the FTSE 100 up 6% to a two year high, although these gains were mostly wiped out in afternoon trading when it emerged that the chairman of Barclays had accidentally spilled some salt at lunchtime.

Chancellor, Alistair Darling, said: “The facts speak for themselves. The thousands of people who lost their jobs this month will be comforted to know that the rate of unemployment is rising 0.001% slower the six months ago. This government has successfully steered Britain through the worst of the recession. ” Darling then offered reporters what appeared to be a hand rolled joint made of top grade super-skunk, adding “You really should try some of this shit, it’s amazing. Jesus, look at Robert Peston’s tie… it’s like the pattern is alive… fuck, I need to sit down for a bit…”

Look! Snow! That hardly ever happens, like only once a year, or something, innit?

A parliamentary debate on whether to increase funding for military equipment in Afghanistan was interrupted today when MPs noticed that it had begun to snow. The shadow home secretary, Chris Grayling, first noticed the snow whilst he was returning to his seat in the chamber “I’d just popped out for a quick shit, and on my way back I looked out of the window and saw that it was snowing quite heavily, so I shouted for the rest of the lads to come and have a look.”

Members of the house then spent the rest of the afternoon peering out of the windows and posting messages on their Twitter profiles. The official Number 10 Twitter was updated with a message reading “OMFG! i totally can’t believe it’s rly snowing lol i’d luv a white xmas!”

Addressing the house later in the day, Conservative leader David Cameron said “I suppose this means the trains will be completely screwed - hey, maybe we won’t have to come into work tomorrow! Sweet as!”

The award winning girl band had repeatedly requested chimp-proof-armour from their management company

The pop world was in mourning today, following the shock news that chart topping pop act, Girls Aloud, has been entirely wiped out by a pack of rabid chimpanzees. The attack took place last night during a live performance at the Milton Keynes Bowl, in front of a crowd of nearly 65,000 horrified fans.

Approximately 15 chimps, believed to have escaped from a nearby testing laboratory, wandered into the venue and became agitated by the sight of Nicola Robert’s ginger hair and weird face. Witnesses say that the situation developed into a tense stand-off during which the chimpanzees and band members screeched angrily and hurled clumps of their own faeces at each other.

Leicester student, Emma Carter, was in the audience: “At one point we all thought things were starting to calm down, but then Sarah Harding lobbed a half empty bottle of WKD Blue at the alpha male, and all hell broke loose.”

The chimps are then reported to have launched a vicious and brutal attack on all five members of the band, bludgeoning the singers with their immensely powerful fists and using their huge fangs to bite and tear chunks of flesh from the girls’ bodies.

Trevor Johnson, one of the first paramedics to arrive on the scene, said “By the time we got there all of the young ladies were already dead and the chimpanzees were busy defiling their bloody, shredded corpses. I saw a couple of the larger males were double-teaming what was left of Nadine Coyle’s body, while the others were trying to eat the remains of Cheryl Cole’s face - although there wasn’t much meat left on it.”

All of the chimps were later destroyed by the local authorities. A memorial service will be held at Twycross Zoo next Sunday.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 - guaranteed humiliation for the over-thirties

35 year old Richard Walker, an advertising account manager from London, is today being treated for severe shock after attempting to play Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 online for the first time.

“I don’t understand what the fuck just happened” said Walker as he was led away by paramedics “I thought I knew how to play video games… I got killed twenty-nine times straight in the first ten minutes before I could even get a shot off, and then some American kid called me a n00b-fag.”

Medical experts believe that Walker might be suffering from Early Onset Geriatric Pwnage Syndrome, a condition known to affect men in their mid-thirties who develop a tendency to vastly over-estimate their own video-gaming abilities.

Professor Imogen Harris, Head of the Bullshit Neurological Diseases Department at St Bartholomew’s Hospital, said “It’s a devastating condition for sufferers like Richard. These men grew up with multi-player video games and they’re fairly confident of their abilities, but as they get older their jobs and families place more demands on their time, so they play games much less often. When they find the time to try playing something like MW2, they inevitably get butt-raped by an obese, socially maladjusted twelve year old who spends his entire life sniper-whoring.”

Harris added “In some of the worst cases of Geriatric Pwnage, we have to deal with some really nasty third degree teabagging.”

Walker’s best friend told us “None of us are really surprised by this - we used to play Doom deathmatch games at college with Richard, and that n00b-fag always sucked donkey balls.”

Lord Mandelson is said to enjoy hunting disabled children for sport

Secretary of State, Peter Mandelson, will today begin a tour of major towns and cities in the UK, during which he intends to stamp on the heads of over seven hundred helpless kittens. It is reported that Lord Mandelson hopes to horribly traumatise the hundreds of thousands of young children who will be forced to watch the events in their school assembly halls.

The plan was announced by Lord Mandelson shortly after he returned from a recent holiday on Vlad the Impaler’s yacht, where he spent a week having sex with the ghost of Stalin and setting fire to dolphins.

Downing Street insiders have revealed that there are deep concerns amongst the Labour leadership that the party’s popularity remains too high. Speaking on the Andrew Marr show, Mandelson said “Of course we worry about these things, all politicians do. Almost every day I ask myself whether the British people despise me enough already, or whether I should try a little harder to be even more of a cunt.”

Lord Mandelson also announced this week that he plans to push through new legislation that will require all newborn babies to have AIDS injected directly into their brains. His press secretary strongly denied any suggestion that this new policy was in any way linked to Mandelson’s growing friendship with Charles Manson.