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Senior Bankers Threaten to Hold Breath Until They Faint
Senior executives from some of the UK’s leading banks have threatened to hold their breath until they faint if the government forces them to pay the full 50% higher income tax announced in this week’s budget. The new tax increase means that high earners will have to pay 50% tax on any money they...
Scientists baffled by singing munter
Scientists admit that they are struggling to explain the mysterious discovery of an unattractive woman who has somehow developed the ability to sing in tune. Until recently it was widely believed that only young, good looking people were able to sing but the discovery of Susan Boyle, an unattractive middle aged person, has now...
Government Outlines Plan to Spend Britain’s Last £10 on Lottery Tickets
At Prime Minister’s Question Time today Gordon Brown unveiled a new government scheme to spend the UK’s last tenner on lottery tickets. Answering a question from the Right Honourable Felicity Heseltine-Coldplay, Conservative MP for East Sheen, who asked “Now what the fuck are we supposed to do? Game over man, game over!” Brown responded...
Formula 1 Outrage over “Clear-cut” Race Win
Formula 1 was engulfed in yet another scandal this week as fans voiced their anger over the result of this weekend’s race at Sepang, Malaysia, which saw victory handed to Brawn driver, Jenson Button. After 64 laps of incident-free racing, Button clinched first place using a controversial combination of exemplary driving skill and sportsman-like...
Commuters Entertained by Train Passenger’s Mobile Phone
Passengers on the 07:15 from Brighton to London Victoria received an unexpected surprise on Monday morning when 19 year old Sean Johnson treated them all to an impromptu rendition of ‘Low’ by Flo-Rida. After boarding the train at Croydon, Johnson unexpectedly took out his Nokia N95 and began playing the song at full volume...
Heston Blumenthal serves own face to restaurant customers
Diners at the three Michelin starred Fat Duck restaurant in Bray, Berkshire, got an unexpected treat this week when celebrity chef, Heston Blumenthal, served them with a canapé made from his own face. The restaurant’s head waiter described the dish as ‘thin slivers of Mr Blumenthal’s face, marinated overnight in the tears of a...