The next version of Windows will totally mess with your all your shit and fuck up your life like never before, claimed a spokesman for the company this week. During an exclusive press preview at Microsoft’s Seattle headquarters, journalists were told that engineers at the software giant have focused all of their efforts on...

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The world of poetry was once again engulfed in controversy yesterday as the news emerged that newly appointed Poet Laureate, Carol Ann Duffy, previously starred in the 1975 porn film “Blackpool Donkey Ride”. The 54 year old was awarded the prestigious post after winning the phone vote in last night’s final of “Britain’s Got...

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In a ceremony marking the end of British military combat operations in Iraq today, Prime Minister Gordon Brown told serving troops that he was grateful for the work they had carried out, but that they probably shouldn’t have bothered. “Um… We totally appreciate you coming all the way over here and everything,” said Brown...

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Officials from the World Health Organisation today announced that the winning bid for the 2011 global health scare is Cornish Hog Plague. A handover ceremony will be held in Newquay later this year, once Mexican Swine Flu has successfully completed scaring the shit out of the entire population of earth. A spokesman for the...

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The National Association of Estate Agents has warned that house prices are reaching dangerously affordable levels and unless the government acts quickly, property ownership could soon be within reach of ordinary working class people. Chris Brown, president of the NAEA, said “The government just doesn’t seem to care. If swift and decisive action is...

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